How Must We Behave?

Dear Friends,

Part of the Holistic Context is identifying how we must behave to ensure the support of people in our resource base. Sometimes this section of the Future Resource Base becomes a bullet point list of saintly virtues that look good on paper, but do not serve us well, or really mean much to us in everyday life.

At UVE, making the process of Holistic Context creation come alive for people, making it meaningful and relevant in their lives for managing holistically, is a perennial discussion.

In this spirit of finding ways to create meaningful Holistic Contexts, I hope the following story is useful to you. I love defining the quality of life we desire, and the future resource base we need to support that quality of life because they are so heartfelt and visual. But behaviors have fallen a little flat for me until the moment when I realized that my perceptions were driving my beliefs, and my beliefs were driving my behaviors. At that moment, I saw how behaviors are born from the image we hold in our minds of the world, and our place and agency in it.

I realized (finally at age 41), the most powerful way to show up in the world as the person I most wanted to be, was to hold (and love) an image in my mind of how I most wanted the world to be.

As I write this I think of Charles Eisenstein's book, The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is Possible.

Here's my own theory, based on my bumbling life experiences:

Find that more beautiful world, hold it in your mind, and you will live as if it is so.

Now, let me share the discovery moment that unfolded in my life.

Jess hears it all. She's the person I call when grief knocks me to the floor, and it is her voice that helps me take a deep breath, get up, and keep going.

She's the person who holds space for all the big feelings and listens with rapt attention. She responds with curiosity, and without judgment.

It was in her kitchen, on a weeknight at dinnertime, with pots simmering and pans frying, that I was able to tell my story, and through the telling, learn this lesson.

I shared that I had gotten really mad at a mutual friend because they didn't show up as I expected they would. Jess listened and acknowledged that she has often reacted in a way that later made her feel regretful. She always gives me permission to be completely human which makes it easier to be open and share.

Our friend was very late and didn't communicate the reason why. And wow, their tardiness really struck a nerve with me. In their absence, fear-based thinking created an entire scenario that I didn't question. I believed wholeheartedly.

I then acted on this perception, which I deeply believed. And I acted in a way I didn't like – judgmental, passive-aggressive, accusing, weaponizing words, and fixating on the situation. It wasn't even me. It was behavior I learned from long-ago friends and childhood.

It was a lot to carry: fear, judgment, distrust, anger, and an odd out-of-body feeling brought on by this foreign behavior. It left me feeling depleted.

Later, I learned why they didn't communicate or show up as expected, and it was completely different (and understandable) from the story that sprang up in my mind. Nothing that I so adamantly believed in my mind was actually true.

I felt so foolish.

Why did I rush to judgment and accusation? Why didn't I rest in curiosity, as I aspire to do?

What would have happened if I worked with my mind to ground, to center, and to be comfortable with myself no matter what is going on around me? How would that have changed my day?

I would have been happier, lighter, and far less depleted, I am sure.

It was such a great reminder that we cannot control others’ actions, but we can control how we show up in the world.

I was suddenly very clear on how I didn't want to be. And I realized the power of perceptions, of the stories we tell ourselves, the images we hold of the world, and our own agency in it, that truly drive our behavior.

So the next time I am facilitating a Holistic Context session, or working on one that I am a part of, I want to explore how to surface these deeper perceptions, world views, and narratives so that we can directly link them to our behavior. And if this is true, this connection between perception and action/behavior, then I believe that the beautiful world we know is possible begins within each of us.

Maybe the work is to uncover that vision, that knowing within each of us, and then let our actions bring it to life in the world.

Thank you, friends, for helping me explore.

What do you think? Is this true? Is the seed of a healthier, abundant world already planted deep within us?

I know I still have a lot of clutter to clear out, old unnecessary behaviors to shed. Have you had similar, humbling, Aha! moments? I'd love to hear your stories.

With love,

Abbey